


i'll drown my beliefs

by sikkie



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Drunken Confessions, M/M, Sexual Confusion, but then he gets soft, chanyeol is a jealous and angry fuck, chanyeol is straight and then sehun exists, ignore how unrealistic this is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-31
Updated: 2018-05-31
Packaged: 2019-05-16 15:00:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,250
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14813601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sikkie/pseuds/sikkie
Summary: It’s normal to look at your best friend with adoration, right? To think they look incredibly beautiful under the bright lights of the firework display? Chanyeol reasons to himself that this is just yet another example of how supportive and loving their friendship is. He’s sure that the feeling is mutual, in a best friend kind of way. Just bros, nothing more.





	i'll drown my beliefs

**Author's Note:**

> title from radiohead's "true love waits".

“It’s excessive,” Jongdae mutters as his thumb hovers above the button to change the channel. Chanyeol groans. 

 

It’s been their only free day in a week of packed schedules and Chanyeol was spending it the only way he knew how  – throwing back beer after beer as he watches some American network playing international music videos one after another. Jongdae didn’t seem to like Dj Khaled’s new music video; Chanyeol thought it was pleasant.

 

“You’re single now. You’re heartbroken. Women suck.  _ We get it _ . I’m single too, you know? Some of us like this sort of stuff. I would explain natural male hormones to you, but I’m positive you already know.”

 

“Yeah, fuck you, but it’s not even that. This dude is obviously objectifying these girls as some sort of, some sort of trophies. Look, she barely has any clothes on! Like, I get it’s hot outside and all, but then why does the Khaled guy have a jacket on? It’s double standards, Chanyeol. And besides, you’re one to talk when you just had your ass handed to you by what’s-her-face. Maybe if you paid more attention to these sorts of things, you wouldn’t be getting dumped every month.”

 

Chanyeol snorts. “Not my problem. Why can’t you just enjoy women when they are presented to you?”

 

“Asshole.”

 

“Hey, has anyone seen Sehun today?” Minseok pipes up. Chanyeol jumps because when the _fuck_ _did Minseok get there?_

 

“I don’t think he’s here,” Jongdae is glad to have an excuse to tear his eyes away from the screen as he turns to Minseok, “he texted me, said he was going ‘out’, but like, he added an emoji of the guy drooling at the end of it so I, I just didn’t reply.”

 

The woman on Dj Khaled’s lap has one less article of clothing now than she did before the cut-scene, but Chanyeol doesn’t care. He turns to Jongdae. “Is that all he said?”

 

Jongdae fishes in his pocket for his phone. “Uh, yeah,” he reaffirms as he turns the screen towards Chanyeol, who rolls his eyes at Sehun’s persistent vagueness. 

 

The younger scowls. “He sent that at 7? It’s 11:30. Why the fuck would he randomly go out at 7?”

 

Minseok shrugs. “Happy hour?”

 

Chanyeol mimics his hyung’s nonchalant attitude and shrugs, rolling his eyes before looking away. “We have alcohol here,” he murmurs. Jongdae and Minseok share a look.

 

“Well, Minseok and I were actually planning on going somewhere tonight, considering we don’t have schedules tomorrow until later in the day,” Jongdae looks at Chanyeol’s crestfallen expression and sighs, “would you want to go?”

 

Chanyeol doesn’t look up as he mumbles a stubborn “I’m good.”

  
  


\--

  
  


“Y-you just had to-ergh-to go out, huh? Out, drooling emoji? Wh-wh-who are you fucking, who are f-fucking you…” Chanyeol paces back and forth through the dorm, complaining to nobody in particular as he waves around the half-empty bottle of Absolut in his hand, “abandon… a-bandon your best fr-urp-friend? Right after a breakup? Ass…”

 

(If you were to ask Chanyeol why he had decided to get piss drunk all by his lonesome on a Wednesday night, he would’ve let out a dejected sigh and slumped his shoulders, mumbling on about how he got his heart broken by his latest object of affection before shaking his head, quick to explain that  _ he  _ was the one who dumped  _ her _ not the other way around.)

 

As he throws himself back on the couch, Chanyeol slides his thumb across the screen of his smartphone, unlocking the device before he pathetically returns to scrolling through his photo album, deleting any picture of him and his latest ex-girlfriend that he could find. 

 

His mood shifts once again when he lands on a picture of him and his best friend, looking as happy as can be; the younger was smiling at him through the screen with his signature puppy dog expression, eyes scrunched up into little semi-circles. Chanyeol stands beside him, eyes closed in mid-laughter. Something twists in current Chanyeol’s gut to make him swipe past it, only to end up on another picture of the duo, an old picture of the both of them at Lotte World. It’s candid. The younger looks up at the fireworks while Chanyeol looks at him.

 

_ It’s normal to look at your best friend with adoration, right? To think they look incredibly beautiful under the bright lights of the firework display? _ Chanyeol reasons to himself that this is just yet another example of how supportive and loving their friendship is. He’s sure that the feeling is mutual, in a best friend kind of way. Just bros, nothing more. 

 

Except, he isn’t sure that best friends ever have an indescribable craving to hold the other’s hand at the most inopportune times. He isn’t sure that best friends have ever gotten a hard-on after watching the other dance on stage during soundcheck. 

 

Sehun never complained though, so once again, Chanyeol tosses the thought aside along with his iPhone. If Sehun thinks it’s normal then it must be, considering how judgemental the youngest could sometimes be. 

 

He takes a swig of alcohol, nearly missing the table when he sets the bottle down. Making a noise of indifference, he reaches for the remote. Playing on the TV was a recording from 2015’s ISAC that Minseok had picked from the DVR to keep Chanyeol busy; “Maybe watching yourself in action will make you less insecure,” Minseok insisted. Chanyeol had pushed him out of the dorm and slammed the door. 

 

Chanyeol watches in vague disinterest as reaching for the remote becomes a task of too much effort. The camera’s focus changes from the entirety of EXO to a fancam of Chanyeol; usually, Chanyeol would swell up with pride and confidence when seeing himself on-screen. Now, an empty feeling settles in his gut as he picks up the bottle again, bringing it to his lips, watching as 2015 him stares off-screen.

 

_ Who the hell am I looking at?  _ Chanyeol manages to string together a thought of coherence as he sets the bottle back down. He leans forward and squints, noticing an unmistakable look of adoration in his eyes. He knows for a fact he wasn’t crushing on any girl groups at the time, so really,  _ who the hell was he looking at? _

 

The camera pans and zooms out, prompting Chanyeol to snap out of his drunken stupor and push himself off the couch, nearly tripping over his own feet as he makes it over to the TV screen. He uses his pointer finger to trace an invisible line of sight from his adoring eyes to the subject of his affection.

 

Chanyeol’s expression drops nearly immediately as he slowly lowers his finger. He straightens up, not tearing his eyes away from the screen until, in one swift movement, he turns around, grabs the remote from the edge of the table, and chucks it at the nearest expanse of wall. 

 

He doesn’t know how long he’s stood there, staring at the mark on the wall that the remote had left, until he’s pulled from his thoughts when he hears the code to their apartment being punched in and the door swinging open, revealing a flushed and bashful Sehun. Sehun turns his head towards Chanyeol and gives him a half-smile.

 

“Hey, Yeollie…” Sehun drawls, alcohol laced into his every word, “have a good night, hm?” is all he says as he toes his shoes off before shuffling past the dumbstruck brunette, wincing with every other step, still with a hint of a dopey smile laced in his features. 

 

Chanyeol just stands. He stands staring at the door from which his best friend entered, words swirling around in his head like alcohol down a drain, words he wants to say, to  _ scream, _ he wants to  _ yell _ and  _ cry _ because  _ fuck _ what is going on, why does the shortest glance from his best friend make him want to melt into his overpriced sneakers, why is it that at a fansign the subject of his drunken daydreams catches his attention and not the beautiful girl he’s smiling at, his beautiful, puppy-like smile, now a dopey grin that holds events untold, events that make Chanyeol’s heart lurch, make his heart and mind cry out for Chanyeol’s help because  _ fuck Chanyeol do something, you’re drunk because an insanely gorgeous girl broke your heart and not because you’re in love, if someone else’s hands roamed his body it’s not your problem, turn on MTV and forget about it, forget the possibility that your heart aches and burns for another man, wait, another man? No you don’t like men, Chanyeol. Not that anything is wrong with that, but you don’t. Sehun likes men. That’s fine, right? Yes, of course it’s fine. Do you think Sehun may have liked me at some point? No - don’t be crazy. Why does it even matter, when he’s perfectly fine searching for affection at some dirty club or bar instead of back at their own apartment? Why are you so fucking dramatic, Chanyeol? Sehun can do whatever he wants. Even if it’s without you. _

 

_ Even if it’s without you.  _

 

Then, Chanyeol breaks. He thinks about being everywhere with Sehun, accompanying him to the club, buying him drinks, dancing with Sehun, telling the barista shitty jokes with his arm around Sehun’s waist, touching Sehun, he’s mine, touching Sehun, all mine, no one else’s,  _ touching Sehun _ _ — _ _ what the fuck, Chanyeol,  _ Chanyeol’s fingernails dig into his palms and his eye twitches,  _ I’m not in love, I’m not in love, I’m not in love, I’m so fucking in love, I’m so fucking in love with Oh Sehun. _

 

When Chanyeol finally snaps out of his train of thought, he feels completely sobered up, the realization hitting him hard enough to knock the alcohol out of his blood. 

 

Chanyeol loves Sehun. 

 

Chanyeol loves Sehun and he has probably loved Sehun for longer than he can even remember and oh God, he has to tell him  _ right now. _

 

Any rational person would take the realization and think on it over the course of a week, overthink every single interaction they’ve ever had with said person, then stress about how to confess, but Chanyeol is nothing if not irrational: both a blessing and a curse. Therefore, there is nothing stopping Chanyeol from bursting into Sehun’s room, startling the younger awake. 

 

“God, Chanyeol, I know you did  _ not _ just wake me up at 1 a.m,” Sehun grumbles into his pillow case, not needing to open his eyes for him to know it’s his best friend who yanked his door open, “if you’re lonely and depressed and want to cuddle, just don’t hog the covers like last time asshole – ”

 

“Sehun. Sehun, I think, no, Sehun I literally  _ love _ you.”

 

Said male pauses for a moment before he sighs and answers, tone annoyed, “We’ve been over this, Chanyeol. I love you too, but you can tell me that literally  _ any other time. _ I’m sore and I have a headache and I really, really just want to sleep.”

 

Chanyeol winces and realizes maybe he should’ve thought this through. But he also knows if he doesn’t do this now then he might not be able to be as up front once the morning light comes. So he moves closer to Sehun’s bed and tries again.

 

“Listen, Sehun, this is really hard for me, and, and I don’t even know where to start, but I really love you, and not even in a bro way, I mean I still do love you in a bro way, b-but do you get what I’m trying to say?” he tries, shoulders hunched up slightly as he watches the way Sehun’s expression changes and he now looks wide awake as he begins to sit up. This could go so wrong. 

 

“No. What are you trying to say, Chanyeol?”

 

“I think I’m in love with you.”

 

“Don’t say things you don’t mean, Chanyeol. This isn’t funny.” 

 

Chanyeol stares, dumbfounded and he feels like  _ tearing his fucking hair out _ as Sehun gives him a confused, scrutinizing look. He almost looks hurt. So, Chanyeol has no choice but to resort to the one thing he knows best: he reaches out and pulls Sehun in by the back of his neck, eyes flickering between Sehun’s in earnest before he tilts his head up and connects their lips in a chaste kiss that Chanyeol feels like lasts for hours instead of mere seconds. When he pulls back, Sehun pulls him closer so their foreheads bump together, and Chanyeol can see a smile pull at the man’s lips. Chanyeol opens his mouth to say something, but Sehun shushes him in return, whispering for him to not ruin the moment as he pulls the taller boy into his bed.

 

“I know that you’re drunk and I’m drunk right now, Yeollie, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen you smile so wide, so I’m gonna take that as sign that you won’t regret this in the morning, hm?”

 

And that’s the last thing Sehun can manage to say before he pulls the covers over the both of them and snuggles into Chanyeol’s chest. He revels in the way it rumbles when the older chuckles at the boy. For the first time ever, Chanyeol prided himself on his sober thoughts turning into drunk actions.

  
  


\----

  
  


“So, maybe I didn’t think the whole ‘watching yourself in action’ thing through. Since when does watching yourself make you gay?” Chanyeol’s piece of freshly toasted bread nearly misses Minseok’s head. 

**Author's Note:**

> feedback is always appreciated! thank you for reading! :^)


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